- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried
-Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
-If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Ask people what gender they are.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Honk and wave to strangers
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how loud you can blow your nose.
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

20. Eyes melting due to watching way too much television
19. Anything related to Myspace
18. Murdered for being really fucking annoying
17. Autopsy Results: Subject was alive while at the start of the autopsy.
16. Auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.
15. Reverse diarrhea.
14. Scared to death
13. Scared to death by possibility of being scared to death.
12. Scared to death by possibility of being scared to death by the possibility of being scared to death.
10. Etc.
09. Eaten by zombies, turned into a zombie, then eaten by zombie eating supereating zombies.
08. Deleted by God for having no redeeming value.
07. Allergic reaction to own blood.
06. Choking on your own vomit.
05. Over-exposure to redundancy
04. Reciting Pi to 10929473598 decimal places, causing your head to explode from too
much thinking.
03. Genetically-modified hot dog eating contest
02. Eaten by Oprah
01. Anything that involves cars, a condom, dead people, and fiery explosions
00. Philosophically disproving your own existence through existentialist relativism.
-1. Cancer cancer- A disease where even your cancer has cancer
-2. Being too stupid to live.
-3. All of the Above. Occurring all at once.
-4. In Soviet Russia, all of the above dies from YOU!


you're welcome to add stuff, i'll keep updating the list